Summer of Dan

Why can't they have rides like this at fairs near where I live?

I'm a big Fair guy. Love them. Sights, sounds, smells, food, atmosphere. Cute farm animals that always make me contemplate giving up meat until I get home and am reminded I have 20 lbs. of meat in the freezer and I'll "give it up once I finish all this meat off...".

Yeah, that never happens.

The Fairs in New Hampshire are a tad tame. Some of them are crazy old like this weekend's Deerfield Fair. To get in you pay something like $10 and you can touch all the animals you want and browse the art and 4H club stuff you want. The food is overpriced but it's fair food, right? How often can you get a cowboy hat full of cheese fries or deep fried Oreos and Twinkies? Not very often.

The rides are priced out in the form of tickets, only there are no rides really worth the tickets unless you are a teenie-bopper and feel like puking after.

Side Note: I used to be the king of crazy rides. The faster it spun, the higher it went, the more insane it looked, I was on it, over and over and over again. Until one day. It's like I "got old" all of a sudden and my insides hated me after. I've never puked on a ride before but that day I thought I was going to lose it. The same thing happened to the Niff. Since that fateful day, we've tried various rides at parks and fairs and the end result is close to the same. Sadness.

Again, New Hampshire fairs are a bit tame, but if they had this ride I would so do it. If I had a partner that I trusted. Ok, so I guess I wouldn't do it because when a bull is running at you full bore, how many people can you really trust?

Let me go through my inner circle:

Steve - I think he'd be too afraid of the bull to try it. Maybe though, he has an adventurous streak. Knowing bodily harm is so close I think he would opt to just watch people get effed up.

Flack - he would definitely do it, but I wouldn't put it past him to drop me on purpose.

The Niff - I would trust her, but wouldn't want her to do it in case I fell off. She'd freak out.

Jessie - I would trust her to not drop me on purpose but I can see an Oops moment on her part, which would result in the crushing of my head.

Mark - I would trust Mark. For sure. But. Mark would probably be laughing so hard as we both get so close to getting fucked up that he would probably fall off inadvertently, sending me to the ground and then both of us getting fucked up.

James - James wouldn't drop me on purpose. We've taken part in enough sports together over the years I find it hard to believe either of us would get messed up.

Kraig - there is no way he would even think about trying this. Ever.

I know I would be trustworthy. In the event I fell off/got knocked off I would need my partner to be able to run super fast. I'd feel bad if they got slammed and pounded as a result of me.

Damn, two days, two posts about taking on wild animals. Can anyone guess how I'll probably die?

He Is Legend

Friday a small army commanded by yours truly will descend upon The Backroom for some dinner, followed by enjoying a new cinematic adventure in I Am Legend at the Hooksett IMAX. Should be a great time.

Hopefully we can get everyone to the restaurant on time so we can get in there as the blue hairs are mass exiting. Great food, huge menu, wildly popular restaurant known for their famous chicken fingers and duck sauce.

The movie should be even better than dinner. I love doomsday movie types, and this is the ultimate. I just hope his dog doesn't die. I can't handle it when the dogs die in movies. Sucks ass. Just about any time they show an animal in a movie, something bad will happen to it. ALMOST guaranteed.

Examples: Signs, Old Yeller, Secret Window, Pet Semetary, and actually just about any Stephen King book-turned-movie.

Most of the time I think people care more about the animals in movies than the main characters themselves, because there is almost no character development needed for us to love and admire the little guy.

Like I said, I’ll be pissed if he dies. He better not.

It's already getting awesome reviews, which is no surprise. Can't wait.

UJA: Unexpected Job Abandonment

The Niff and I were talking the other day about previous jobs we've had growing up and what happens during your tenure at some of these places. It seems we stumbled upon a phenomenon that is probably more common than anyone has really given any thought to: UJA or Unexpected Job Abandonment.

UJA occurs when for reasons usually known only to you, you abandon a job. Just one day, you never come back, and you never look back either. Sometimes this happens without a phone call and you just do what Mike Tyson did and faded into Bolivion. Sometimes you make up extremely elaborate stories that are only believable to you. Sometimes you outright lie.

But in the end, abandonment occurs.

Abandoning a job doesn't make you a bad person, it actually just makes you a bit normal. If you do it all the time, you quickly become unemployable, but I think everyone in their life at one point or another has abandoned a job or two.

• My brother has done this probably more times than any normal person would care to admit (but a fact he would be proud of for sure).
  
  
• I am not 100% sure but if I had to bet my life on it, Mark and Steve seem like prime candidates for UJA as well. Shit, they could very well be the President and Vice President of UJA.



• Flack strikes me as someone that would pull this off with some serious style, opting to be that guy that was still talked about years later.
  
  
• I am 100% sure that Will has done it as well, especially since he's one of those guys that is too nice and can't say no to people. Much easier just pretending you never worked at a place, right?



• Kraig may seem like someone that wouldn't do it, but I think he has it in him, especially when he was younger.



• The Niff told me she outright lied to a place saying she wasn't going to school (place of employment to remain nameless) so she could get a summer job. At the end of the summer, sure enough, the Niff was gone. Another time she just didn't want to go back so she didn't. Not even to collect her check. Bastards never even sent her the check...isn't that illegal?? Anyways, that's not the point...



• I wouldn't be so bold to proclaim myself the King of UJA, but damnit, I do it in some serious style, and I've done it many, many times. Just a few off the top of my head:
  
  
  • My first job was at Canobie Lake Park. I worked 2 days at the slushie cart. I was stung at least two dozen times in two days, cause damnit, those fucking bees love the sweet nectar of slush. Not only did I never go back, I never called them. This would be the beginning of my UJA history.
  
  
  
  • When I was in high school and worked for Shaw's I told them I was unable to work the summer for them because my epileptic father needed me to help with the family business. Months later I was in that same Shaw's and the manager walked up to me to ask me how my father was and how things were going. She also mentioned I was still on the payroll when things settled and I could come back. I never went back. Or shopped there for over 2 years. Yes, I am going to hell, don't judge.
  
  
  
  • After high school when I worked in a door factory I worked with about 30 straight up rednecks. Constantly berating me for the little things, I was close to the end of my rope. After hurting myself at Patriots Training Camp one week, I never heard the end of it from these stupid ass rednecks that should have been pumping my gas. I called in the next day and told the head boss I wasn't coming back. Ever.
  
  
  
  • After 3 months of "working" at Best Buy and never being trained to do what I was hired for, I walked into "work" to tell the manager I was "resigning". He seemed floored, so he asked me why and I told him: the dumbass mother fucker that was supposed to train me was never around, never returned my calls, and was a stupid fucking moron. It just so happened the kid I was talking about was in fact working that day and I could see him from where I was filling out the paperwork to cut my ties from that shithole. The "manager" called him over the loud speaker about 5 times while he stood there for about 20 minutes chatting it up with someone from another section. As I finally finished the paperwork and handed it to him the dumbass finally made his way over to us as I walked away. Talk about a fuck up.
  
  
  
  • Right before I was lucky enough to get the job I have today I "worked" at a place that installed and repaired electrical doors, much like what you see at supermarkets and stores all over the place. I "worked" there for 2 full days and the day I was hired they told me I could never call in sick as there was no coverage. I told them it wouldn't be a problem. Day 2 finished and I was looking for a phone cord to hang myself. Worst job ever. Lucky for me, the State called wanting an interview the next day. Now, I had zero time built up, but shit, I got "sick" so I called in on Wednesday. Went to the interview, nailed it, and got a second interview for Thursday so I called in "sick" again. I mean, no one wants to get strep throat from a coworker, right?? So I get the job that Thursday after the interview, and Friday morning as I am getting ready for my shit job at the door place they call me and apologize for me being sick and that it would be good if I didn't come back. I thanked them in my best fake voice, as they said they would pay me for the entire week. Best deal ever.

I am sure there are more, but these are the big ones that jump out at me. Personally, I think anyone worth their salt at one point in time has gone AWOL from a job, but that's just me.

If you like to do it, do it well

I have never been happier playing football. Ever.

Around Thanksgiving I told Flack I wanted to know what I was doing for football shortly after the new year and we should start narrowing down teams soon. We were both interested in playing for Aaron Beineke, who is known around our football league as being a fantastic defensive minded coach, and was a free agent coach looking for a team. I emailed Aaron, Flack, Will, James, Mark, along with David Dunn, the owner of a team I thought we might all be interested in playing for. Dave is the coach and owner of the Double A Devils, and also owns the Single A Demons, a team that Poppy coaches.

The process was very interesting and worthwhile. We were all looking for a team that was highly organized, a team that already had talent, a team that was committed to winning, and a team that had a great coaching staff (and in Aaron’s case, the ability to form a coaching staff). In the end, Dave said “I’m working on that…” or “I will see what I can do” one too many times. Flack and I have been around the block too many times to know that people that say that may mean it with all their heart, but wanting to do something and actually doing it are two totally different things.

The lack of organization, coaches, and facilities were the main reasons we all steered to the team we landed on, the Knights. They hired Aaron and another great coach for the offense, they have a fantastic indoor facility, they have a top to bottom organization, they have the talent, and they have the attitude. When I decided on the Knights I sent Dave a few courtesy emails, telling him about my decision and why, and that I wasn’t aware of anyone else’s decision and where they would play and thanked him for the meeting and opportunity to talk to him.

 I never heard from him again, directly. Ever. Because he’s pussyhurt over it.

Shortly thereafter at league meetings, he made it harder and harder on us (the Knights). He’s made it so every time we practice we have to submit our roster to the league, to make sure we don’t have players from teams that haven’t received waivers. No other team in the league has to do this, and I’ve been in the league for 5 years and have never heard of such a thing.

He’s prevented us from playing at the best field in Manchester (Memorial) simply because he is playing in Manchester as well, just not in a nicer stadium. It’s sad because our team has someone that plays for us that coaches at the school and we would get a discount on playing there, plus it’s closer to our practice facility.

He’s taken issue with the team name Northeast Knights and has gone ahead agreed with others that there should only be one team in the league with the same geographic designation. Yeah, that makes sense: New York Giants, New York Jets. New York Yankees, New York Mets. Hmmmmm.

Being an owner of two teams in the league, he did exactly what I publicly predicted on the league message board and attempted multiple times to stack one team, by basically taking both teams, taking all the good players and putting them on his Double A team, stripping the Single A team of any and all talent. Poppy was smart enough to get commitments from the players and tell David where they wanted to play and nipped that in the ass, but that goes to show you the type of person he really is. He’s a little fucking punk, plain and simple.

In essence, David is a young, brash, insolent, ignorant little asshole. He has little man complex, feeling he needs to always have control over things. It’s really sad because our owner, Ron, would do anything for another team if he knew it would help them. David is just out for himself, never cares about anyone but himself and alienates scores of people at a time. I just can’t wait to play them the first time and beat the shit out of them 50-0.

All that said, I love the organization I play for. It’s a no nonsense, no bullshit attitude. We work hard, we practice hard, and we get better every practice. Practices are very organized, broken down into timed periods to keep us on schedule and moving toward our goals. We have the biggest coaching staff I’ve ever been associated with, ones that want to teach and give feedback, yet at the same time, ones that I think would be receptive to also learning themselves.  They push us hard in practice and we push back and ask for me, because that is our mentality.

It’s very different this year, as James isn’t playing any more and Will is playing with Lowell. Things similar to what happened last year to Will in Lowell are going down again, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he is a Knight before long. James just doesn’t have time for football anymore and wants to focus his time and energy into his family life and doing other things that don’t soak up the time that football does, which is totally fine, it’s just weird not playing with him.

We have a lot of veterans on the team, guys that have played in many different leagues, on many different levels, and it’s comforting seeing we’ve already started to gel this early into practices. The indoor facility is amazing, the schedule that we adhere to gets us in and out as soon as we accomplish the tasks at hand. I can’t count how many practices in the past I’ve had that go 2 hours just because it was scheduled for 2 hours, even when 10 people showed up.

I’m really looking forward to this season. On defense, I’m surrounded by extremely gifted and talented people, guys that I already have a lot of trust and faith in, and I’ve never felt better. This will surely be the best season of my playing career. I can’t wait.

James

James aka Hathaway aka Hath aka Big Hath aka Hoss aka NOT Jim aka James; best friend since Junior Year in high school (10 years ); met during spring track of 2007; cut major corners during our lifting and running program; once had to run a mile together, both of us almost died; fellow colleague at Shaw’s Supermarkets and Merrimack Valley Wood Products; a good warning system for when you are sleeping at work in the bathroom stall and your boss is looking for you; the person you call when you need to move something heavy or feel you are about to experience a beat down and need back up; the person you call when you need to put in your grandparent’s pier in May or take it out in October; reliable football player; improving Halo and Gears of War gamer; fellow host of the Annual Draft Day Party; above average paintball player and teammate; superb corner pin thrower, staple gun shooter, and door casing swinger; inventor of Tomatoes and Mayo; has forgotten more football stats than most people will ever know in their entire lives; somehow got a lower grade in a class we took together, even though he had better scores on just about everything we handed in; invented the name Shandal for the shoe/sandal hybrid; can climb trees; looks to become the next CEO of Todd McFarlane’s Spawn company; knows every lyric to every DMX and Busta Rhymes song; finally got his dream Super Bowl matchup between his two favorite teams in 2004; has hands of cement; could probably beat up Jason Vorhees if they met in a dark alley.