Summer of Dan

And so it begins...

I have to hand it to the early gymmers. You know, the people that are deciding to get back on the wagon, start working out again, buy new sneakers, and start their new years resolution before the new year. Major props to those people.

But seriously man - why did you show up today reeking of Fritos? Do you work at Frito Lay? Did you lose a bet and have to swim in a pool of Fritos? Were you a giant Frito for Halloween and covered yourself in corn oil and salt and haven't been able to wash it off? 

And the woman wearing the dressy sequin shirt. Honestly. Best choice of clothing? You almost blinded me when I was on the treadmill. Did you come from a dinner party and just think to yourself, "Geez, I REALLY should workout LIKE RIGHT NOW" and you didn't have time to go home to change? Because that's pretty much the only logical explanation for that.

I really am happy to see people taking an active change in their lives and their health. It takes a lot to make that conscious decision to sign up and take action. But it takes a lot to also decide whether you should smell like a giant Frito or dress up like Neil Diamond when you go to the gym.

Just saying.

 

Such a beautiful disaster

The Niff and I had to go to Wal-Mart yesterday. Sadly, there was no other place we could think of to buy what we needed. It's always a visual car accident when you walk in there: massively obese people that haven't showered in 6 weeks wearing clothes they have no business wearing and a steady stream of children they can't control and likely can't even afford.

Now, I don't have a holier than thou attitude about looks - far from it. But there are just a few things you shouldn't do when you are in public.

1. Dress like you just got back from Woodstock, stains included.
2. Scream or swear at your children like a drunken sailor.
3. Leave your house without checking a fucking mirror.
4. Wear crocs. Ever. Even not in public. 
5. Wear clothing that is 3 sizes too small. I'm sorry, but if you are 300+ lbs, I don't think you really fit into anything that is Extra Large. I'm just guessing here.

Yesterday was all of that but on crack. I seriously felt like I was the best looking person there, that is how awful it was. People missing teeth, people with ketchup on their shirts that are already stained from God knows what, people wearing crocs that look like they trudged through 3 miles of septic sewage in them, people that had so many fucking kids they couldn't find them all. It is the whitest of white trash you can imagine.

Next time I have to go in I am going in with a video camera. I swear.

Is there a warpzone in Concord?

Every time I drive around downtown Concord, I always see a crapload of crazy people. These people are wandering the streets, always by themselves, almost always drooling, and carrying an 80 lb. backpack. It's almost as if they come from some alternate dimension and fall through the portal somewhere near Main Street. I never see this in Derry, and have rarely seen it in Manchester. What the eff? 

Climb a ladder up to the sun

It's cold, wet, and miserable outside, so I figured it'd be a good time to update the ol' journal with a completely random update:

• The NFL Draft Party at James' was a resounding success. Aside from the two fatties that showed up and called Flack and I faggots, it went really well I think.
  
  Rewind for a second: so the Draft is cranking, I'm in full grillin' mode, and everyone is outside enjoying the sun and food. Up walk Ohio and Big Slop from Seacoast on a "recruiting mission" to get James to come to practices and play with them this year. They both wear their championship rings and mention that if us "bastards" want a championship (Flack and I, not James) we should come out too. As they are leaving, Big Slop told James to stop by and "if us faggots want to come too, i guess we can". Nice. Classy. What the fuck is that??? If I had a harpoon big enough to take the fatty down I would have been slinging that thing. How tacky is that? Showing up when someone is clearly having a party, busting in, being a prick, and then leaving? Come on now.
  
  
• Draft wise, the Patriots did awesome, snatching the 2nd best Running Back, the best WR, the best FB, and probably the 5th best OT and 5th best TE. Can't be upset with those pickups.
  
  
• After the Draft, Jen and I hit Dick's Sporting Goods to buy some hiking boots, as we planned a hike up Mt. Monadnock on sunday. We got some nice new kicks, and we went to bed early. We had a really nice hike, and if the girl wasn't behind me breaking my fall when I plunged off the mountain I wouldn't be typing this. Thanks babe ;)
  
  
• The best quote I think I've ever heard regarding life: "You have to grow old, but you never have to grow up". So damn true.
  
  
• Even though the news has been pretty awful about MySpace, it's not always a bad thing. After having a nightmare of my childhood buddy Tom Chan dying, I told Jen I had to find him. She thought he might be on MySpace so she searched with info. I gave her and lo and behold, she found him. We're back in contact after 10 years, and I'm feeling good and at peace again. Very cool.
  
  
• I wish the Sox fans at Fenway didn't boo at Johnny when he came out, rather they should have all been 100% silent and give him the silent treatment. Fenway is never silent, and I think that would have said something much more powerful than booing. Plus, it would have been creepy as hell.
  
  
• 32 days until my birthday. Awwww yeah. I'm just asking for Best Buy Gift Cards so I can try and hope to get enough or close for an XBox 360. That would be clutch. They're so damn expensive, and if we weren't moving I could probably save up, but with the move it will require some help from the friends and family :)
  
  
• "The Fray" have a great new CD out. Very good, I'm lovin' it.
  
  
• Ray and Lola are still doing great. I hope to be able to build a nice cat house for them to move into in time for us when we move back to D-town. A nice little treat would be great for them in case they feel uncomfy with the move.

Time to get some work done. There's not much to do, but I suppose I should try.

The Gang is all here!

I know I am going to Hell. I am sure of it. At least I can take comfort knowing I won't be there alone.

Any typical day for me finds Steve and I looking for something to do at lunch. Go to the mall, hit Target or Wal-Mart or BestBuy, hit the bank, go grab something to eat. Today found us at the Irving near our work that has a Subway. I get lunch, and we sit in the Jeep, windows down, eating our lunch.

At this point, I was happy eating my meatball sub, enjoying the Fall weather and just hanging out.

Until I saw the most God awful sight ever: a beast that shall be known as Dawnky. This behemonth looked like the Refrigerator Perry, only 2 feet shorter. You couldn't tell where her neck began and her kankles started, and she was smoking what appeared to be just a filter of a cancer stick. She looked at Steve and I briefly as if we were two Cosmic brownies she wanted to eat. She got out of her fatty transporter to buy some more cancer sticks, buy 10 lbs. of butter, and $500 worth of scratch tickets (since they are the only things she can actually scratch). The funniest part of the entire episode is that her license plate actually described her: Dawnky. Very cute play on words, but not when you look like a bunch of sherpas could load your fat ass up and take you up Mount Everest.

This isn't even why we are going to hell. This person brought it upon herself. I don't feel bad for beasts like that.

Flashback to about 2 months ago when Steve and I were driving down Loudon Road (same street where that gas station is) and we see this little troll riding a bike. She looks like someone hit her with two frying pans in the face, one under her chin, the other on the top of her head. As soon as we saw her we busted out laughing, and at the same exact moment on popped Jimi Hendrix' "Foxy Lady". We see her a week later filling the air in her tire at the Irving, and once again that song pops on.

About a month after seeing Foxy Lady we see this dood that seems to have no business driving. Picture Quasimodo, but with his head all the way back and to the right, but with his eyes facing forward. Obviously he had something severely wrong with him. We see him last week around this same Irving again.

Keep these two episodes in mind.

As we are sitting there, taking in the sight that is Dawnky, we see some guy that is dragging his right leg behind him, and dragging his arm too.

About 2 minutes later we see a guy that has this weird looking 4 pronged cane and I noticed one foot was bigger than the other. He had one shoe that was about 6" bigger than the other to balance out the fact the had one leg that was longer than the other.

Now, we're we were parked, we could see the airhose Foxy Lady used to fill up the air in her tire. Steve looks over and said "The gang's all here! Man, all we need is Foxy Lady and that other guy that drives around in Concord and we'd be all set."

I couldn't stop laughing. I almost choked on my Doritos. I don't want to hear about how bad of a person I am for "laughing at unfortunate, disabled people", because that isn't the case. It's a combo of being a tad insensitive, and feeling a nervousness/sadness for them. It's not pity, it's just the way I feel for people that have to go through life like that. I would never ridicule people like that, so don't take it like that. If you do, you're dumb and don't know me at all.

That said, I thought the laughter was over for the day as we headed back to work. Just as we're about to go into our building I see this new woman, all clad in purple and just look to Steve and say:

"Look, it's Grimace!"

Yes, I'm going to Hell. But at least Steve is coming with me.