I know I am going to Hell. I am sure of it. At least I can take comfort knowing I won't be there alone.
Any typical day for me finds Steve and I looking for something to do at lunch. Go to the mall, hit Target or Wal-Mart or BestBuy, hit the bank, go grab something to eat. Today found us at the Irving near our work that has a Subway. I get lunch, and we sit in the Jeep, windows down, eating our lunch.
At this point, I was happy eating my meatball sub, enjoying the Fall weather and just hanging out.
Until I saw the most God awful sight ever: a beast that shall be known as Dawnky. This behemonth looked like the Refrigerator Perry, only 2 feet shorter. You couldn't tell where her neck began and her kankles started, and she was smoking what appeared to be just a filter of a cancer stick. She looked at Steve and I briefly as if we were two Cosmic brownies she wanted to eat. She got out of her fatty transporter to buy some more cancer sticks, buy 10 lbs. of butter, and $500 worth of scratch tickets (since they are the only things she can actually scratch). The funniest part of the entire episode is that her license plate actually described her: Dawnky. Very cute play on words, but not when you look like a bunch of sherpas could load your fat ass up and take you up Mount Everest.
This isn't even why we are going to hell. This person brought it upon herself. I don't feel bad for beasts like that.
Flashback to about 2 months ago when Steve and I were driving down Loudon Road (same street where that gas station is) and we see this little troll riding a bike. She looks like someone hit her with two frying pans in the face, one under her chin, the other on the top of her head. As soon as we saw her we busted out laughing, and at the same exact moment on popped Jimi Hendrix' "Foxy Lady". We see her a week later filling the air in her tire at the Irving, and once again that song pops on.
About a month after seeing Foxy Lady we see this dood that seems to have no business driving. Picture Quasimodo, but with his head all the way back and to the right, but with his eyes facing forward. Obviously he had something severely wrong with him. We see him last week around this same Irving again.
Keep these two episodes in mind.
As we are sitting there, taking in the sight that is Dawnky, we see some guy that is dragging his right leg behind him, and dragging his arm too.
About 2 minutes later we see a guy that has this weird looking 4 pronged cane and I noticed one foot was bigger than the other. He had one shoe that was about 6" bigger than the other to balance out the fact the had one leg that was longer than the other.
Now, we're we were parked, we could see the airhose Foxy Lady used to fill up the air in her tire. Steve looks over and said "The gang's all here! Man, all we need is Foxy Lady and that other guy that drives around in Concord and we'd be all set."
I couldn't stop laughing. I almost choked on my Doritos. I don't want to hear about how bad of a person I am for "laughing at unfortunate, disabled people", because that isn't the case. It's a combo of being a tad insensitive, and feeling a nervousness/sadness for them. It's not pity, it's just the way I feel for people that have to go through life like that. I would never ridicule people like that, so don't take it like that. If you do, you're dumb and don't know me at all.
That said, I thought the laughter was over for the day as we headed back to work. Just as we're about to go into our building I see this new woman, all clad in purple and just look to Steve and say:
"Look, it's Grimace!"
Yes, I'm going to Hell. But at least Steve is coming with me.