Summer of Dan

And so it begins...

I have to hand it to the early gymmers. You know, the people that are deciding to get back on the wagon, start working out again, buy new sneakers, and start their new years resolution before the new year. Major props to those people.

But seriously man - why did you show up today reeking of Fritos? Do you work at Frito Lay? Did you lose a bet and have to swim in a pool of Fritos? Were you a giant Frito for Halloween and covered yourself in corn oil and salt and haven't been able to wash it off? 

And the woman wearing the dressy sequin shirt. Honestly. Best choice of clothing? You almost blinded me when I was on the treadmill. Did you come from a dinner party and just think to yourself, "Geez, I REALLY should workout LIKE RIGHT NOW" and you didn't have time to go home to change? Because that's pretty much the only logical explanation for that.

I really am happy to see people taking an active change in their lives and their health. It takes a lot to make that conscious decision to sign up and take action. But it takes a lot to also decide whether you should smell like a giant Frito or dress up like Neil Diamond when you go to the gym.

Just saying.

 

SOMEONE NEEDS TO GET THIS SIDE!

This is alarmingly similar to the night the Niff moved from Connecticut up to New Hampshire.

Only my sister was on one end yelling at us that "Someone needs to get this side!".

What she failed to realize at the moment was:

1. Because of how the couch was positioned no one could get to her side
2. The person that needed to get her side...was her.

I swear my sister would be the ultimate State worker.

Full of spirit

A little more than 6 years ago I was a dog person. I never had any interest or love for cats. I only had one cat ever growing up (named Jessie...yes, we named my sister after our cat) and she wasn't the nicest in the world. Friends and neighbors that had cats seemingly all had cats that preferred to be by themselves, some were even douche nozzles and would scratch you just because you were breathing near them.

When the Niff and I moved in together we decided to adopt a furry little creature. His name is Ray and the rest is history really. He's not only my cat, but he has personality. He likes people. He's a bit shy, but he is friendly. He's curious but guarded. He's smart and inquisitive. He listens and he speaks. He isn't one of those cat that treats you like you are the hired help, he is like family. He reminds me a lot of Sargeant.

Side note: Sargeant is with the Niff and I, high on our bookcase with a picture of him and I. He's in his box and Ray and Lola have never met him. Yet whenever I take him down, the cats are quite interested. Sixth sense or kitteh sense, I have no idea, but they know. Animals are smarter than we all give them credit for.

Ray is truly a great friend. He's my buddy, he loves time with just me on Sunday, but especially loves Sunday Night Football. That is his time with me.

The rest is reserved for the Niff. He adores her. He needs her. He would walk from here to California if she was there just to curl up next to her when she is surfing on her laptop. I never envisioned that cats could be like that.

This video is amazing but really doesn't surprise me. I've heard and seen cats do some pretty ballsy shit, but this is up there. 6 years ago I never would have even watched this video, I thought I knew it all.

But I was wrong. Cats are bad fucking ass.

 

Entering the Pain Cave

I've been a slacker lately and haven't carved out time to write some more meaningful posts about life so that's what I'll attempt to do here.

Turning 30 almost two months ago was a mentally traumatic milestone for me. I have no idea why, but it was almost earth shattering to me. I've never felt that way before, I felt like I had to grow up, but truth be told, I already am. I just don't act grown up.

And I don't want to. 

Yeah, I pay my bills on time, the Niff and I go on mini vacations and do semi-grown up things, but I'm a kid at heart and always will be.

The Niff planned the perfect birthday party for a 15 year old. Or a 30 year old with the mentality of a 15 year old - pizza party, with desserts like cannolis, tiramisu, fudge cake, carrot cake, cream puffs. Everything a fat kid would love. This would all be followed by hitting one of the greatest amusement parks in the history of New England. Or New Hampshire. Or, pretty much, the only amusement park really, unless you count the ones for the little kids up north.

Anyway.

It was perfect. It wasn't crowded, the weather was great, the company was even better. We had a series posse mounted up to attack the park. And attack we did.

   

That was the first ride of the night - the Xtreme Frisbee. You know it's the shit when they leave off the E. Hardcore ride for sure. It's so hardcore it even has it's own webpage. They lock you in, you spin around faster and faster and higher until you want to puke. Everyone is screaming their head off, not because it's scary, but because we are all wondering if we will make it off the ride without losing our lunch. We are screaming so damn loud, I look over across from us and there is this teenage girl ON HER FUCKING CELLPHONE. I lose it, I'm screaming, "I'm about to puke and this chick is updating her Facebook status 'I'm on the Frisbee and I'm going to puke!!! lol'. Most bizarre thing I've ever seen on a ride.

I think she was related to these guys.

 

I think after that we knew we were in for an interesting evening.

Flack and I decided to team up with our superpowers and squeeze into one bumper car to destroy the rest of the bumper car field. We laid some sick hits, but I'm not sure what was more painful, getting hit by us or me having to lift my gunt to get the bar to drop down.

 
 

No ride was safe from us, we decided that early on. We kicked everything up a notch, including seeing how many people could fit in the photo booth.

 
 

We were playing for keeps, I don't think Canobie Lake Park was ready for us that night. We got shitfaced on fried dough and even more fucked up on the Turkish Twist. We were wild and crazy. Yup. Hardcore Canobie Lakers right here.

Probably the highlight of the night was the Log Ride. No one was in line whatsoever, so the Niff, myself, the Niff's step-brother Aaron, and my sister Jessie piled into one log. The splashes were going to be epic, everyone would be soaked, people would be drowning.

Ok, so it was about 2/3's accurate.

Aaron was in the way front, followed by my sister Jessie, then me, then the Niff. Mark and Laura were in the log right behind us. We noticed early on that we started taking on some series water but it's a water ride. It's to be expected. Right?

Following some serious turns, we started slowing down and Mark and Laura were catching up. It wasn't a big deal, we were ahead enough before the grand finale 45 degree hill that takes you to Drenchtown USA that we would be fine.

Until we lodged the log into the final turn. Like, really jammed it in there. To the point of us not moving. And taking on a shitload of water. And Mark and Laura not only caught up, but they wedged us further. And then another log behind them did. And then another.

Many people don't know Aaron, but Aaron is a fucking survivalist. He has lightning reflexes, and is a combination of Mother Theresa, Chuck Norris, and Bear Grylls. Before we knew it, he was out of that fucking log, in the most selfless act I have ever witnessed, and said, "I'm doing this for you guys so you can survive!!! Don't worry about me, save yourselves!!!" and with that, he pushed us free and onto the giant ramp that brings us to the top of Mt. Everest. We saw him run into the trees like a wild animal and proceeded to hang on for dear life. 

Now, when you are on the Log Ride at Canobie, the final hill is so steep, it feels like you are going to roll out the back of the log and die. Or flip. Or slide out and tumble into the trees below. Or onto the barbed wire fence below we could only imagine Aaron was scaling by then.

About 3/4 of the way up, the ride stops. The kid at the top of the tower was yelling at us, they had to find out if our dearly departed passenger was in danger. They had to stop it, he could be laying in front of the log at the bottom and get smashed. Or drenched. Or something.

I'm not one to shy away from adventure. In fact, I'm good friends with the Dos Equis guy. He plays next to me on my football team. For real.

But we were up there for a solid 10 minutes. Mark and Laura were right at the bottom and were being escorted by park employees off the ride. Before we knew it, there were now three people on the wet, metal ladder type stairs that led to the tower at the top, explaining in painful detail how we would exit the ride. From 60 feet up. Soaking wet. Stepping onto wet metal. At a 45 degree angle. No big deal.

Jessie went first, almost took a digger, which was understandable given the circumstances. Then I went and the Niff was right behind me. They walked us the the side, presumably where Aaron made The Great Escape, and there was our posse. Waiting. With Aaron. There was a 2 foot high wooden locked gate. I could have stepped over the damn thing but the person that brought us down had 12,000 keys and had protocol she needed to follow. And we waited. And waited. For like 5 fucking minutes.

After the longest time, we were reunited with our log mate, and we had a picture taken, simulating the final plunge to the bottom since we were so deprived of a normal conclusion to the ride.

 
 

Look at us. LOOK. Fearless. We could do anything. Except ride more rides without being followed by park security for the rest of the night. Which was probably a good thing...

Without a single doubt, going to amusement park rides when you are older is 1000 times better than when you are a kid. Partly because you're an adult living a kid's dream. Partly because of the memories you make. And a big part because you can buy all the food and candy and drinks you want without getting yelled at by your parents because you're going to "get sick" or "won't have room for dinner" or "it's time to go, it's getting late" or "i'm sorry, i don't have anymore money, you ate everything in the park twice already". Or something like that.

Canobie Lake Park will never be the same again.

 
 

Next up: whitewater rafting with the same motley crew. Thank God we have our own personal Bear Grylls.

Your partner disconnected. Reconnecting...

The Niff and I were talking yesterday about Chat Roullette and how there is pretty much zero point to randomly chatting up strangers, especially since 85% of the people on Chat Roullette are guys that expose themselves to their viewers.

But sometimes. Just sometimes, cool/out of the norm things can happen.

Enter Mr. PianoImprov aka Merton.

This dood randomly makes up tunes on the spot, to whoever he happens to connect with.

Take a look, he's funny as hell and it's definitely worth the watch. This video is gaining some steam around the world, mostly because it violates a ton international terms of service and whatnot so it's banned in many places. It's a harmless video though, just weird international laws.

And it gets better.

Because once Ben Folds saw the video he decided to do an Ode to Merton. Pretty damn cool.

Turning something super creepy into something creatively awesome is always good in my book.

Easy on the Pepsi

On the weekends when the Niff and I go grocery shopping we both pick out some diet soda to satiate our taste buds for the duration of the weekend. We both usually buy two 1 liter diet Polar sodas, a semi-local (Worcester, Mass.) soda distributor. Sometimes I take forever to drink mine and I find the Niff has ganked mine.

 
 

Go ahead and guess which one of us is Fuller and who is Kevin.

A little bit too true

Haven't had a completely random update lately so minus whale be very Hynds like and ketchup. Get it?
 

• Friday night the Niff and I headed downtown for Midnight Merriment. They close off Main Street and all the participating stores stay open until midnight. It was pretty cool, they had ice sculptures, horse drawn carriages, and a ton of people walking around with their dogs. The best part about it I think was exploring in all the shops we've never been in. Most of the places that were open seem to blend in during the day but it was cool to check them out in more detail.
  
  
• “It is no surprise to me that hardly anyone tells the truth about how they feel. The smart ones keep themselves to themselves for good reason. Why would you want to tell anyone anything that’s dear to you? Even when you like them and want nothing more than to be closer than close to them? It’s so painful to be next to someone you feel strongly about and know you can’t say the things you want to.” - Henry Rollins
  
  
• This weekend the Niff and I officially had our first meal at our new kitchen table. Most people don't think it's a big deal, but after what we've been through with this table it was a good way to start sunday morning. I wanted a new kitchen table because we eat 99% of our meals in the living room in front of the TV and I really wanted to at least have a place where we could feel like we are connecting. Sounds cheesy, but my meals with my family growing up consume a lot of the great memories I have of my childhood.
  
  
• My advent calendar kicks your advent calendars ass.
  
   
   
  
  And not just because Lola is sitting in front of it. Three words: Lindt fucking Chocolate. That's right. No cheap stuff this year. What a feeling to wake up and immediately have 100 grams of sugar to start the day. Ahhhh diabetes here I come.
  
  
• A little bit of my soul is dying every week when the Patriots lose. Not because they are losing, but the way they are losing. Our defense is young and suspect and that used to be our bread and butter. We could go ahead and lose the last 4 games of the season and I wouldn't be shocked.
  
  
• I have this undying hunger for two Double Whoppers with cheese and a large fry. I know it's all kinds of awful but I can't help what my stomach wants. Nay, it needs.
  
  
• It snowed the other day and it was awesome. Two inches at the most but it finally feels like December. This is a good thing. You appreciate the warmth and the sun even more after a cold, hard New England winter.
  
  
• Three terms everyone seems to be saying that I absolutely abhor: just sayin', legit, and not so much. Every time I hear one of these I want to punch myself in the face. The day after Thanksgiving I think my sister used all three in the same sentence. 
  
  
• Instead of lottery tickets where you can win $1 million, they should have local lottery tickets where you can win an awesome house. Think about it: if you don't like it or whatever, you could donate it to the homeless or a homeless program, or give it as a gift. It could be awesome.
  
  
• I'm down 15 lbs. since our weight loss contest at work started. I'm hoping to drop at least another 5 by next Friday so I'll be within 5 lbs. of my total goal weight. Plus it would be nice to have a chance at winning an iPod Touch. Before Christmas. And use it on Christmas day. Just sayin'. (See??? Saying that sucks!)
  
  
• I am a complete moron. I've had a Blu-Ray player since Black Friday and haven't watched a single Blu-Ray movie on it. Oh, maybe because I didn't buy a movie. That's like buying a jar of Nutella without having a spoon. Well, you can always use your fingers...
  
  
• I've always known Robin Williams was awesome. Further proof:
  
  
  
  
  
  Life isn't good. Life is great.

A peculiar generation

While surfing the interwebs I happened upon a list of things that were dubbed the 'Truths of Our Generation'. I didn't add to it at all, but clipped out a few I thought didn't suit me. Some of these are fucking hilarious. Enjoy.

1. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
4. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
5. That’s enough, Nickelback (Creed and Staind, too).
6. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
7. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
8. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
9. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
10. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it. I think I was the most shocked when I figured out how many references to sex and drugs there were in Clueless.
11. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.Zoolander and anything with Will Ferrell I always do this, but preface to my roommate before the dvd goes in that she can’t complain about it.
12. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
13. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
14. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
15. Was learning cursive really necessary?
16. Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
18. My brother’s Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.” Classy, bro.
19. Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
20. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
21. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
22. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”.  I’ve actually contemplated writing out the examples for my last name (which is really long and involves lots of m’s and n’s) because I constantly have to spell it to give my e-mail address at work.
23. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
24. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
25. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
26. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
27. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
28. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
29. I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the swine flu’ to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: “Dave caught the swine flu last night.”
30. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
31. Bad decisions make good stories.
32. Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do.
33. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
34. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
35. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….
36. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
37. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
38. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
39. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
40. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
41. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’
42. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
43. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
44. When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
45. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
46. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…
47. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
48. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
49. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
50. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
51. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.
52. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…
53. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?
54. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
55. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
56. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
57. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

Smile like you mean it

This picture reminds me of the Niff and I so much. I take a million pictures of us and in about 95% of them I am making a stupid face.

 

 That, and the one in the front seems shorter and a tad uglier (please, I understand alpacas are awesome but the one in the front looks fucked up because of the face he is making).

 

Lotus Rocks

I drink my fair share of coffee. At home. At work. When we go out. It's true that your tastebuds evolve as you get old but only if you let them. Six or seven years ago it was easier for me to tell you what I ate rather than what I didn't. That is far from the case now. Coffee is in that category.

I have a million mugs but I usually use one that has me and Sargeant on it at work and at home I grab whatever is clean. I needed a changeup at work so about a year ago the Niff and I were at Goodwill and I snagged this bad boy for a whopping 25 cents:

That just looks like an AWESOME time let me tell you. I googled Lotus Rocks a million different ways, adding keywords like "amazing band" and "good times" and "best years of my life" and I just couldn't come up with anything. 

So I bring it to you - if you have any information leading to this memory of Lotus Rocks, please contact me. I'd love to know the true story.

And why that kid has his hand at crotch level.