In honor of the late great George Carlin, in addition to it being a Friday, I've been listening to Carlin all day long. I've heard his bits 1000 times, and it never gets old.
One of my favorite bits is when he talks about germs. I laugh so damn much because I agree with everything he says.
Where did this sudden fear of germs come from in this country? Have you noticed this? The media constantly running stories about all the latest infections? Salmonella, E-coli, hanta virus, bird flu, and Americans will panic easily so everybody's running around scrubbing this and spraying that and overcooking their food and repeatedly washing their hands, trying to avoid all contact with germs. It's ridiculous and it goes to ridiculous lengths.
In prisons, before they give you lethal injection, they swab your arm with ALCOHOL. Wouldn't want some guy to go to hell AND be sick. Fear of germs, why these fuckin' pussies. You can't even get a decent hamburger anymore they cook the shit out of everything now 'cause everyone's afraid of FOOD POISONING! Hey, wheres you sense of adventure? Take a fuckin' chance will you? Hey you know how many people die of food poisoning in this country? Nine thousand, thats all, its a minor risk.
Take a fuckin' chance bunch of goddamn pussies. Besides, what d'ya think you have an immune system for? It's for killing germs! But it needs practice, it needs germs to practice on. So if you kill all the germs around you, and live a completely sterile life, then when germs do come along, you're not gonna be prepared. And never mind ordinary germs, what are you gonna do when some super virus comes along that turns your vital organs into liquid shit?! I'll tell you what your gonna do ... you're gonna get sick. You're gonna die and your gonna deserve it because you're fucking weak and you got a fuckin' weak immune system!
Let me tell you a true story about immunization ok. When I was a little boy in New York city in the nineteen-forties, we swam in the Hudson river. And it was filled with raw sewage! OK? We swam in raw sewage, you know, to cool off. And at that time the big fear was polio. Thousands of kids died from polio every year. But you know something? In my neighborhood no one ever got polio. No one! EVER! You know why? Cause WE SWAM IN RAW SEWAGE! It strengthened our immune system, the polio never had a prayer. We were tempered in raw shit!
So personally I never take any precautions against germs. I don't shy away from people who sneeze and cough. I don't wipe off the telephone, I don't cover the toilet seat, and if I drop food on the floor I pick it up and eat it! Even if I'm at side walk cafe! IN CALCUTTA! THE POOR SECTION! ON NEW YEARS MORNING DURING A SOCCER RIOT! And you know something? In spite of all the so called "risky behavior ".... I never get infections. I don't get em. I don't get colds, I don't get flu, I don't get headaches, I don't get upset stomach, And you know why? Cause I got a good strong immune system! And it gets a lot of practice!
My immune system is equipped with the biological equivalent of fully automatic military assault rifles, with night vision and laser scopes. And we have recently acquired phosphorous grenades, cluster bombs and anti personnel fragmentation mines.
So, when my white blood cells are on patrol reconnoitering my blood stream seeking out strangers and other undesirables, and if they see any, ANY, suspicious looking germs of any kind, THEY DON'T. FUCK. AROUND. They whip out the weapons, they wax the motherfucker and deposit the unlucky fellow directly into my colon! Into my colon. There's no nonsense! There's no miranda warning, there's none of that three strikes and your out bullshit. First defense, BAM! Into the colon you go!
And speaking of my colon, I want you to know I don't automatically wash my hands every time I go to the bathroom. Can you deal with that? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. You know when I wash my hands? When I shit on them! That's the only time. And you know how many times that happens? Tops-tops-two maybe three times a week. Tops! Maybe a little more frequently over the holidays. You know what I mean?
And I will tell you something else, my well-scrubbed friends. You don't always need a shower every day. Did you know that?? It's overkill! Unless you work out, or work outdoors, or for some reason come in intimate contact with huge amounts of filth and garbage every day, you don't always need a shower.
All you really need is to wash the four key areas: armpits, asshole, crotch and teeth! Got that? The hookers bath. Armpits, asshole, crotch and teeth. In fact, you can save yourself a whole lot of time if you simply use the same brush on all four areas!"
It's so true. I expect to be able to survive the first wave of disease that will surely hit after World War III, because of this reason.
One of my other favorites is too funny not to share:
Here's another male cliché: these guys that cut the sleeves off of their t-shirts so the rest of us can have an even more compelling experience of smelling their armpits. I say, "Hey Bruno, shut it down, wouldya please? You smell like an anchovies cunt, ok?" There. Not good. Ahhhh. Not good Bruno, and definitely not good for sharing.
This is the same kinda guy that has that barbed wire tattoo that goes all around the bicep. You've seen that haven't ya? That's just what I need: some guy who hasn't been laid since the bicentennial wants me to think he's a baaaaaaaaad motherfucker, because he's got a picture….ahhhh haaa haaaa…a painting… of some barbed wire on his arm. I say, "Hey Junior, come around when you have the real thing on there, I'll squeeze that shit on good and tight for ya, ok?" No kidding. No kidding. This is the same kinda guy that if ya smashed him in the face 8 or 9 times with a big chunk of concrete and then beat him over the head with a steel rod for an hour and a half, you know what? He'd drop like a fuckin rock. Like a fuckin rock.
I feel blessed to have seen Carlin in person. The man knew what he was talking about.